Can you hear me?

The importance of developing meaningful connection during the teenage years.

No matter how your teenager behaves or engages with you, I know from my work, deep down they want meaningful love and connection both within and with others. They want to feel safe to be accepted for being themselves. To be frank most people do even if they don't realise it. It is a natural part of being human.

We are hard-wired for connection as we have learned over the centuries that survival is easier if we have our tribe. Of course, if one's heart has been hardened or there has been a need to protect it as a result of past experiences, without healing, this can render it less open to the vulnerable business of connection, forgiveness and unconditional love.

Young people want to be able to feel they have value, and that they are seen and heard as they are trying to figure out who they are. They want to be successful in finding their place in this complicated world, although social media so often feeds a fear that they will never be talented, smart or beautiful enough.

The impact of social comparison can sometimes stop them from continuing to try when they hit a setback, as their fear of failure is often significant. Their resulting non-action to achieve what they say they really want keeps them in a self-made uncomfortable, comfort zone. This can create feelings of being overwhelmed, stuck, stressed, anxious and even depressed as they get caught up in a negative cycle of thinking.

They are of course globally connected through their devices. We also know how important their friends are but this only goes so far in terms of serving their need to feel they belong because they are not always prepared to show up as the person they are truly feeling. There is a lot of pressure to pretend to be happy and confident all the time, these days.

Research with teenagers who have tried to take their own lives has shown that many felt they just didn't belong or were struggling to be understood, plus by not having a place to talk about things that really mattered to them this was also a big factor in their decision to try and take their own lives. Deep down it is hard to replace the love and connection we seek from our families. It is our first and foremost tribe and feeling you will not be accepted, real or imagined, for whatever reason, can make many young people feel very isolated and lonely.

Teenagers are also programmed to learn fast, take risks, push boundaries and explore so they can survive beyond the nest of home. Many now get less opportunity to explore on their own as 24/7 media feeds the belief that danger lies around every corner. Many parents have become more protective and naturally restrictive in letting them go out and about by themselves. For example I travelled to central France on my own from Ireland at 15 years old. Less freedom impacts the ability to build resilience and learn through different daily experiences. Being nearby like a helicopter, watching, parents often unconsciously point out their teenagers ongoing mistakes. Between school and parents, they don't get much of a break from adult judgement. It can make many feel they will never measure up, impacting self-esteem and confidence.

When navigating their way, poor resulting behaviour can emerge because they don't know how to articulate a lot of the confusion of what they feel is going on. They also have a different sleep pattern so getting up early is hard for them. Stress and anxiety can show up as acting out, anger, pushing people away, wanting to be alone, having a lack of attention to things, being distracted, and avoidance of what needs doing. Think about how these can impact studying.

Teenagers also have a brain that is not fully mature as it is going through a process of pruning and is being rewired. This impacts emotional regulation, concentration, problem solving, planning, decision making, insight, judgement and reflection skills. It can mean they behave in a way that often rejects the very love they want, pushing parents to the limits. Parents can also be highly stressed, with their own fears, driving responses that are less loving than they should be as the adults in the room. Remember no one's brain has been upgraded to deal with the extra data overload we now experience in modern life.

Young people don't naturally want to let the people they love down. If they screw up they tend to beat themselves up enough already, often not showing it to you but sinking into the negative emotions of fear, guilt or shame. Parents pilling more on top with negative emotions only makes things worse. It means they will be less likely to come back looking for help when they really need it. In fact, the main reasons young people don't ask for help are detailed in the picture below.

Over all young people frankly don't get taught the skills to know how to change their thinking patterns or understand the belief systems at work that impact their feelings and behaviour. These are so often triggered in the fast paced, uncertain world we live in now. Their imaginations can run riot on old internal negative self-talk stories, on constant replay, that don't serve them well as they don't have a grounding of knowing who they are or what they are capable of.

So how can you be that connecting adult they so need even if their behaviour is showing you otherwise:

• Remember you are the adult in the room. They are still the child but one that is growing up naturally programmed to leave the nest so they will push boundaries. Don't make negative interactions personal.

• Rather than deliver your decisions with it is my way or the highway approach, give them some autonomy in decision making. It is an important future skill to develop. Ask them what they want, what they think and try and agree a win-win outcome for both of you. Ask if they were in your shoes what would they suggest should happen. It makes them more accountable if they have agreed the rules by which they will play rather than having them imposed.

• Be mindful of how much time you spend on devices. In a recent poll on LinkedIn I asked parents what was their main distraction on their phones and they told me it was social media rather than their work. Our children, whatever age, copy our behaviour so lead from the front on this one.

• Learn how to listen well, with empathy, without judgement, without interrupting, without showing negative emotions. This means sitting or standing in front of someone making eye contact, not trying to do it while multi-tasking or being distracted by outside noise. We all know when someone is really paying us attention. Remember anger + anger = more anger. Stay calm and carry on. If you get it wrong be prepared to say sorry.

• Become conscious of when you are tempted to give unrequested feedback especially if negative. Ask yourself is it absolutely necessary? Will you be lifting them up or dragging them down?

• Remember just because they are not talking it doesn't mean they are not listening. Be the person people would like to hang out with - positive, interested, fun. Let them know your door is always open if they need to talk.

As a parent if you want to support yourself and your teenager to build a more positive and connected relationship, plus give them essential skills needed to navigate our modern world click this unique April programme link offer. You won't then have to try and figure it all out alone. Take the time to look, act and serve yourself and your teenager today.